Once I managed to dryheave my way past security at the Macworld 2015 expo, I couldn’t help but notice that the featured gadgets and gizmos aren’t really gadgets and gizmos anymore. These days, most of what you see at Macworld are accessoriesfor gadgets and gizmos. Or apps for gadgets and gizmos. Or accessories for operating those apps, which some people call “app-cessories”. Those people ought to get fucked silly with a Steve Jobs bobblehead.
Nonetheless, that Macworld exhibition floor features some real, legitimate must-haves for boozebags like you and me. Let’s take a look at some of the top-shelf doohickies for alcoholics with iOS mobile devices.
The Best in Show from my drunkass perspective is the Intoxicase, which appears at first glance to be a simple, stainless steel polycarb iPhone holder with a bottle opener embedded in it. I know, plenty of you people have shown me how to perform this task with a cigarette lighter many times over. My permanently impaired motor skills will likely never allow me to do this with consistent success.
You can see the Intoxicase in action to up above, in the hands of Marketing VP Roni Bonjack, whose company Spicebox designed and produced the Intoxicase. Ms. Ronjack is using the standard Intoxicase there, but they also produce an Intoxicate Plus whose bottle opener folds in so you don’t have a conspicuous lump sticking out of your pocket.
Hey, is that a standard Intoxicase in your pocket? Or are you just happ– ahh, forget it.
But there’s way more cool shit going on with the Intoxicase. Each Intoxicase comes with a free app that counts how many bottles you’ve opened, logs which brands of beers you’ve drank, helps you find your car if you forgot where you parked, and calls you a cab if you’re too wasted to drive.
Intoxicase can also post this info via your favorite time-wasting social media platform, like Facebook. “You can check into a specific bar, so your friends know to join you at that bar,” Ms. Ronjack said.
Intoxicase was also the only exhibitior at Macworld who dressed their booth babe in a dirndl. Huge respect for that. If you look closely, you can see that her earrings are actually Sam Adams bottlecaps.
Of course, you can just imagine all the leering and chauvinism from asshole guys with cameras that poor woman had to smile and put up with out there on the Macworld exhibition floor. And that’s just for the ten minutes that I was standing there!
Product design junkies might also consider the Opena Case, also a bottle opened designed specifically for the iPhone 4s. The Opena Case opens your beer bottle via a slide-out mechanism. I personally found the Intoxicase to be a little more elegantly designed, plus it comes with the clever free apps, and even the premium Intoxicase Plus is priced lower than the standard Opena Case. But it’s just like deciding between a pint or a tumbler of Fernet — anyone’s preference would be determined by mood and personal inclination.
Y’all drunks who regularly lose their phones when wasted will surely want to check out the iKeep — which latches your iPhone or Android to your belt buckle and discreetly keeps your phone attached to your body via a retractable cord. That way, you’re not going to leave your phone in a bar yet again. Those Apple software engineers who keep leaving their next-generation prototype iPhones in bars really need to get themselves one of these! There is also an iKeep Charger, which can charge your iPhone, Andoid, or any mico USB-charged device. It provides the same foolproof attached-to-your body security of the iKeep, but can also be juiced up to provide a reliable back-up charge when your phone is losing battery power.
And the Worst Gadget for Drunks at Macworld 2015? That would be Dr. Dre Detox headphones, a cushioned pair of noise-isolating aluminum case headphones. I just do not like the name of those things
This post is sponsored by Caitlin Peters from HQWorld, She writes about gadgets, maternal bond and related topics and does provides custom essay writing service for anyone who needs quality essays or articles for college works.